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Journal Entries for 1998 and 1999

My September 1998 Writings

11 September 1998

An Abundant Absurdness Anent Alliteration

pondering poetry
pilfering prose
pedantically probing
purple perceptions
possessing perennial perfection
painting passionate pleasures
pending perpetual proliferation
perhaps (potentially) perverse


?? September 1998

A silly verse written to me by an online friend...

silly child
running wild
playing games
twisting names
grows up a bit
amazing wit
having fun
silly one
grows some more
not a bore
smiley smiles
funny files
very nice
great with mice
super keen
SiLlY qUeEn!!

    -- "Vampress" --

?? September 1998

My response to the above verse...

Vampified Virtual Verses

vamp verily
via venus' voodoo
voluptuous vixen
virtually vicious
vivaciously venturous
venomously violet
vibrantly vampy
via vampiric vertigo
vacillating vigorously
variably villainous
versified Vampress!!

    -- "SiLlY qUeEn" (aka MMJ)--

?? September 1998

Bonjour mon cheri
Aujourd'hui je voudrais dire:
"Je t'aime beaucoup.
  Je n'ai pas des paroles a exprimer
comment je t'aime.
  Avant de rencontrer je n'ai jamais
la passion vraie."

    -- MMJ --

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My October 1998 Writings

?? October 1998

Wandering through my head
Late at night in bed
Ethereal images of one so fine
  Love of mine.


12 October 1998

I know where I am in life.
I know where I want to be.
In a place far away, but I
Can not be because...there
I know not if what I want
is what you want. I would
spend eternity with you --
if you wanted me to. It's
not fair though, for me to
think, that you and I will
ever be. I don't know & I
won't ask. I will be your
love & your friend and that
I know will never end.

    -- MMJ --

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My December 1998 Writings

10 December 1998

Here I sit wondering why...
Why does purple fill the sky?
Why can't people fly?
Why do I wonder why?
Why are you so far away?
Why can't I go out to play?
Why is no one here today?
Why? I can not say.
Why are you smiling there?
Why do you hither stare?
Why can't I go anywhere?
Why do I inquire so?
Why? I do not know.


15 December 1998

Here I write a note for my love
whose smile lingers in my mind
as memories of days gone by unwind.
I wish upon the stars above
that he'll hold me once again
and our love will be as it was then
filled with warmth and fun
with my love; my best friend.

    -- MMJ --

22 December 1998

Can you be silly today?
Can I fly by for a visit?
Can you come over my way?
Can you stay for just a bit?
Can you do as I say?
Can I go over and play?
Can you mold a heart in clay?
Can you see the sun this day?
Can I ring you up and say:
Can I be silly today?

    -- "SiLlY qUeEn" (aka MMJ)--

22 December 1998

Oh mighty night with your brilliant light
Cover me now in the darkness
Bring me dreams of his sweet caress
Cover him now with your warmth
Hold him in your long reaching arms
Remind us both that though we're far apart
We share the sky as we share our hearts

    -- MMJ --

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My January 1999 Writings

?? January 1999

A poem written by request to an online friend...
Topsy-Turvy Tribute

transgressing tadpoles
tropically tangy
transcending tantalizing thoughts
terrifically titillating
taking tempting trysts
traversing tricky threesomes
tenderly telling technique
twisting twirling tease
the terranium treasure
tactfully troublesome Toad
    --"SiLlY qUeEn" (aka MMJ) --

?? January 1999

Another poem written by request to an online friend...
Bubbly Babbling Blurb

bewitching beefy beast
behaving badly
baring bikini briefs
becoming brilliantly berserk
bouncing between boudoirs
beyond bizarre
brazenly beginning bedlam
balancing bumbling bits
blatantly bowing before beer
bedazzling, bedeviling Brad
    -- "SiLlY qUeEn" (aka MMJ) --

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My April 1999 Writings

02 April 1999

Can love overcome
the distance between us?
My heart is numb.
You are but a figure on a canvas.
Watching you carefully I wonder...
Will 'we' ever truly be?
You've tossed my world asunder.
Lost am I in this stormy sea.
You wreak havoc with a soft touch.
Your actions confuse me
Yet I want you so much.

    -- MMJ --

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My May 1999 Writings

07 May 1999

Searching for a hand to hold
with an attached heart of gold
Yours is the hand I want to touch
But yours is the heart that fears
     -- too much
Longing to show you the love I feel
Knowing you'll never believe
     -- this love is real
What can I do or say to earn your trust?
I can't imagine a world without you, but
     -- I must.


10 May 1999

Alone in the darkness
Dreaming of happiness
Longing for a warm embrace;
a hand to hold; a heart of gold;
a sweet, loving, smiling face.
Yearning for love's undying trust.
Fearing more with each passing year.
Not wanting a life alone, yet go on I must.
My heart is empty and on my cheek
     -- a single tear.

    -- MMJ --

10 May 1999

Ah, alas! What is this thing called love?
Some say it is beauty to which none compares.
Some say it is an inner peace likened to the white dove.
Others say it is but a lust of another's wares.
Others still, say it is friendship and trust bound tight.
I say it is all of these and much, much more.
For love brings to those it knows
     -- pure delight!
And to those like me without
     -- we doth love abhor!

    -- MMJ --

11 May 1999

What is love, but a single word?
A little four-letter word.
Why is it that such a word
causes so many souls to feel absurd?
Love wreaks havoc with the mortal soul.
Yet love's true sense we all extoll.
Why is it that it is this love we long for
(unless we already know it's heartfelt core)?
Why is it that this one true, pure, little word
is that which I not only fear, but abhor?
Perchance because my heart desires
nothing more than this love it cannot acquire?

    -- MMJ --

11 May 1999

There is no happiness in excess
This applies to food, money, sex and drugs
Yet for one there is happiness
When love abounds -- the ultimate of drugs
In love is found food delicious beyond compare;
Wealth in love brings more than money can buy;
Sex?!? Well, that can be love's delight if you dare;
There is no happiness in excess
unless therein lies love's undying tenderness.

    -- MMJ --

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My June 1999 Writings

10 June 1999

Standing on the outside
Looking in.
Feeling my thoughts collide
My heart spins

Wanting to unlock my soul
Loving you
Longing for the heart you stole
Unrequited's true

Stopping these feelings with care
Missing your warmth
Ending my dreams to share
My life, my world
     ... forever solo.

    -- MMJ --

28 June 1999

My Thoughts

I really wish I could be angry with you. That would make what happened so much easier to deal with and accept. I suppose I was foolish to care about you; to think that you cared about me. I know now that I meant nothing to you...not as a friend nor a gf.

I remember you telling me how important honesty was in a relationship. I remember that now and laugh - ha! you even know what that is? Have you any idea how much you've hurt me? It pains me all the more to think that though I've shed so many tears over you, you have probably not even given me a moment's thought over the past few weeks. I still can't believe how you could be so inconsiderate... disappearing for a few days... and expecting me not to worry. I cared about you too much to not worry. I realized on that Friday night when I was up all (yes, ALL) night crying and imagining the worst...I realized then how much you meant to me. I cherished your friendship. I enjoyed your company. I admired your strength and perseverance. I was grateful for the thoughts you shared. I thought that even if a romantic relationship didn't work out, our friendship would never end. Apparently, I'm the only one who valued that friendship.

I know how very different our lives have been. I can't pretend to know what you've been through, but then again neither can you pretend to know what I've gone through. I realized that even though I didn't know what your life was like before I met you, I could still be there for you in the present and the time to come. I could support you with my friendship and love.

Perhaps I'm the one to blame ...for being foolish; for believing in you; for trusting, respecting, and loving you. I know that I didn't really share everything in my heart and soul with you. I couldn't. There were too many fears, too many doubts. I wanted to open my heart, but I couldn't. You seemed so distant. I should have seen your little disappearance coming. I wanted to share my life, my thoughts, my heart...but could I do that? Could I take the risk of caring about you more than I already did even though you simply didn't express any feeling toward me? No...I couldn't take the risk. The thought that I'd share my heart with you only so you could rip it in two was too much to bear. I suppose that now it's better that I didn't share my heart. I can't imagine dealing with a pain so much greater than the one I now feel.

The worst part is that I admired you. I thought you were a strong, courageous, warm man. The truth is are but a child caring for no one, but yourself. A man would have discussed his thoughts about our relationship with me, but a child knows simply to run away.

I still think of you. I miss you even though I wish that I didn't. I yearn to phone you; to hear your voice, your laugh. Don't worry though. You've made it perfectly clear that I mean nothing to you and that you don't even want my friendship. I won't phone you. I won't email you. I'll try to forget that you exist...just as you've forgotten me.

In all reality, I will move on and I will be just fine. I know how to live alone. I've spent much of my life alone. I will survive and I'll even do more...I'll thrive.

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My July 1999 Writings

28 July 1999

Sometimes one really just needs to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective. That's what I've been doing the past few days...just trying to remove myself a bit from the emotions I've been feeling in order to determine how 'real' these emotions are. It seems that they might be stemming from the amount of time I've spent alone lately.

It's quite possible that I've over reacted and the emotions that have re-surfaced have done so because I'm afraid of being alone...not just being alone for now (that I can handle), but the thought that I may spend the rest of my life without that lifelong companion...that thought is frightening. I know that I need to be optimistic and live for the moment...carpe diem! (as they say) I am trying to begin to do that, but it's not easy to completely re-do one's thinking patterns. :) Hmmm...ok I am rambling. No point in continuing.

14 July 1999

Sometimes I wonder why I make the decisions I do. I've wondered that a lot lately. Several months ago I made a major that was terribly difficult to make. Looking back on that I realize that I made it out of fear; fear of what was to come...disbelief in all that had been promised to me. The worst part is that I know that my heart still lies in his hands...someone I've not mentioned in my writings here(at least not directly). He was (and in some ways always will be) the love of my life. I chose to end our relationship not because he had hurt me, but because I couldn't believe that a lifetime of happiness could ever be within my reach.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Yet I've never believed that I would know true happiness. I usually don't regret my decisions. I simply accept them and move on because I have to (or so I feel that I have to). I don't know that I regret what has happened since my decision to end that former relationship...I got involved with someone else...someone I cared about...he lied to me...he broke my heart...perhaps I deserved it...perhaps it was a lesson I had to learn.

I do regret the pain I caused my J----. I still miss him very much. I spoke to him today. We hadn't truly talked since the breakup and it was wonderful to chat with him again. It's wonderful to have my best friend back. It was almost like old times. My heart ached for him while we chatted. I wanted so much to tell him I still loved him; to ask him if he could ever forgive me, but I didn't because I don't think I can forgive myself for hurting him.

In the end, I'll always have the memories of the good times and the bad times J---- and I shared. Perhaps...someday I'll share some of what I wrote while he and I were together. (I have already shared some of the poems...I just didn't specify who they were written for.) Thoughts of him will always make me smile. I'm grateful for the time we shared. I had never been happier. If you're reading this, my love...take care and remember that you will always have a place in my heart.

Wishing I could run into your arms now and never look back....

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My September 1999 Writings

21 September 1999

Life here has been full of activity this month. I've been going out dancing and such far more than usual. I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. You see...usually I prefer a quiet weekend at home...I am a bit of a homebody, but I do realize that too much time home alone is not good either. Yet, going out every Friday and Saturday night is simply too much for me...maybe I am getting old, but I just can't handle such a busy weekend. I just tend to enjoy a simple, quiet if only I could find someone to enjoy the quiet time with.

I spent this past weekend at home...all weekend...just me, relaxing. It was nice and peaceful and restful, but it also seems to have invoked some feelings of loneliness...well, no...not so much loneliness as the desire to have someone to share things with. Life always seems so much more wonderful when there is someone to share it with...even just sharing the little things is nice.

I was doing my laundry this evening which meant taking a short walk from my apartment to the laundry room here at my apartment complex. During this walk, I saw the most beautiful moonlit sky sprinkled with soft, white clouds. It was lovely. That's the sort of time I wish I had someone to share things with...someone to share the beauty of a moonlit sky or perhaps a red-orange sunset...sharing nature's beauty makes it all the more beautiful.

I realize I'm babbling, but then again if you've read this far you must not mind too terribly much. :) Time for me to get some sleep. I'll be dreaming of the warmth of another's arms. Sweet dreams and good night. :)

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My October 1999 Writings

25 October 1999

Have you ever wondered if you'd ever have that special someone to share your innermost thoughts with? I suppose everyone has known that yearning at one point or another. It's really been difficult though...all of my friends are either a)married, b)engaged or c)practically engaged. Ok, so I'm moping this evening...I admit it and all I can say is...I can't help it. Sometimes the desire for a good friend's company/conversation is simply overwhelming.

18 October 1999

I don't feel inspired enough to create anything original tonight, but I thought I would share some verses I wrote in days past...enjoy. :)

This is just a brief and silly verse I wrote awhile back (last month actually)...I'm warning you, it's not exactly poetic. :)

Sparkling, cool, refreshing smile
Burning fires flame desire
Warmth from you makes life worthwhile
Lost in the pools of your quagmire.

    -- MMJ...feeling silly...I've always wanted to use 'quagmire' in a verse! :)

Here are a couple of verses I wrote ages back...the first from November of last year and the second from February of this year. :)

4 Nov. 1998

Imagine a space
  without time
Imagine a time
  without space
Imagine a world
Imagine an existence
  without a world
Imagine and you will find
these intricacies of the mind
have become that which is...

    -- MMJ ---

1 Feb. 1999

Dreams of days gone by
Leave me smiling as I think of you
I look up into the starry sky
Wondering if you see the same stars too

Memories fill my heart tonight
Thoughts drowning me
I see that star shining bright
I hope it watches over you tonight
    -- MMJ --

31 March 1999

Purple passions liberated me as I sighed
Lost in this garden of beauty my thoughts collide
Wandering through the tantalizing sights
Losing my heart and discovering my soul's delights
    -- MMJ --

17 October 1999

Just a Thought or Two

There are so many people that pass through our lives each and every day. Not just the people we meet, but also the people whom we simply pass in the street. Being rather fond of sitting on a cafe or bar patio and simply watching the people pass, I always wonder what is going on in other people's lives or sometimes I just wonder about what someone was thinking when he/she got dressed that morning. :)

I went to see the movie "American Beauty" last night. It was an absolutely excellent film. I haven't seen anything so well done in quite awhile. It's the kind of film that causes you to re-think your life and to make you realize how much beauty exists in this that is often overlooked because we are stuck in the daily grind. I don't generally see movies more than once, but this is one movie I have to see again. Hmmm...and now I'm sounding as though I'm advertising for this lets go off on another topic.... :)

Lately, I've been 'meeting' ...ok, maybe the better expression would be 'chatting with' several different sorts of people. I've used the internet as a means of communication and a means of meeting fascinating people for over 5 years now and I must say that I have made many wonderful friends online. :) The people I've chatted with lately have ranged in age from 14 to 50-something and most of them live abroad which makes the conversations all the more interesting. I believe a lot of people are afraid of going into chatrooms and meeting people online. There has been a lot of media hype about the crazy, perverted people out there which is very unfortunate. I'm not about to say that there are no crazy people out there because I'm sure that there are. However, when you are in a chatroom or email convo, you have control over what is discussed and if you don't like what someone is saying, you simply leave that room. I've never had any problems with that.

It's easier to have a warm-hearted, honest conversation with someone online than it may be in person. Why? Well, because if you are chatting with someone through a computer I suppose it doesn't seem quite as real. You lose your little worries about what the person on the other end may think of you because frankly, you'll probably never meet the person so it doesn't matter. It's easier for me to be myself when I chat online because I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. I can just be me. I can do that in person too, but it often takes me awhile before I am comfortable enough with someone to just be me in person. I tend to be rather shy especially in groups. It's much easier for me to relax if I am only with one or two people. I suppose that is why it is difficult to meet anyone special. Most men don't take the time to get to know me, and in all honesty I can't blame them because it does take time. :)

Well, I hate to end this so abruptly, but I'm in the middle of a convo with someone online. :)

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My November 1999 Writings

12 November 1999

This month was a quiet one, but here are a few verses I wrote...

Nothing is as it seems
Do you not see as you come and go
the world is spinning as you dream
exploding upon the ethereal lights
Are you watching the show?
Or are you lost in passion's delights?

    -- MMJ ---

    The Astral Plane

You have reached a place unknown
Not all may know this realm unseen
Yet in this plane all is shown
To the wanderer's mind - a glean
of knowledge into a fellow soul
Lost yet in the perfect place
Come together to make one whole
You and I shall not be commonplace
    -- MMJ --

Welcome to this realm
Have you come alone?
Or is your demon at the helm?
Shall we lose ourselves once more
in this hall of purple fears
You and I will enjoy screams galore
as we watch the nightmare's shears
-snap- Cut away at our very core.
    -- MMJ --


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