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My February 2000 Writings

My February 2000 Writings

08 February 2000

Just some thoughts...

Ok, I know I said I was going to start this month anew and try to have a more positive outlook, but the reality is that each and every day is simply a struggle. The problem is that I keep thinking about a past in which I was truly happy (the only one in which I was). I miss that and I miss him. He was my best friend and even that friendship has weakened since we broke up and that saddens me. I know I have to move on and endeavour to be happy, but it's difficult to imagine happiness without the only person I've ever loved. There isn't a day that goes by during which I don't think of him ...even if it's just for a moment. This worries me. It's all too obvious that he and I will never be together again. I have to let go, but ... I don't know if I can. It's been a little less than a year since that relationship ended. During that time I've dated a few people, but I haven't loved anyone else. I can't imagine loving anyone else. I've been deceiving myself by thinking that I could.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should try to salvage that relationship that once was. I wonder if I should ask him if he'd consider giving it another go...but I'm afraid to do that. I don't want to hear him say "no"...that's the problem and I know it. I'm the one that ended the relationship and I'll admit that I did it out of fear and doubt. I felt even at the time that it was the wrong thing to do, but given that he didn't try to argue the point with made me think that he thought it best. Will I ever be able to move on??? Will I ever be able to be truly happy again? He and I still write to one another and that is something he's always said to me..."Be happy." I am just not so certain I know what happiness can possibly exist without him. And yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and yes, I know that I should not *need* anyone so much. It's not that I can't be happy alone. I am content and that in essence is the state of being happy I'd say, but there is another sort of happiness that can only come when there is someone to love and to share life. It is this sort of happiness that I desire more than all else...mainly b/c that is exactly what I've had too little of in life.

I miss my best friend. I miss the one person I could tell everything to. I miss the laughter and the sillyness and the tears and the love. I still love him and I don't see how that could possibly change.

I don't think it's the same for him. He still writes to me and keeps in touch, but he's never once said he missed me...I tell him that more often than I should, I suppose. I just wish I could talk to him...face to face, but considering we inhabit two different continents, it's a bit difficult to pull off a normal conversation. He wants me to be happy and that's all he's ever wanted. I don't think I'll ever be as happy as I was then...not here; without my best friend. He's the only one I want to be happy's just not the same without him. :)

Valentine's day is (most likely) contributing to this mood of mine. It always does...probably because aside from the one valentines day I spent with my love (and the one together...yet apart)...well, I've always been alone. It's difficult to watch so many couples happy together when you don't have the privilege of sharing a similar happiness.

Anyway, I should just stop writing now...this is not helping my mood one bit....


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