31 January 2000
Yes, the first month of the new year has finally come to an end. It has been one major rollercoaster of emotions for me and I am very glad to bid it goodbye. I'm no longer seeing the young man who lied to me and that (although sad) is indeed for the best. He is far too fickle for me as I tend to be one who holds fast to decisions I've made and I tend to be far too honest (brutally so at times) for my own good. :) Through all that I've experienced this past month, I've learned who can be trusted among my friends to be there for me no matter what and I've learned to continue to care and love unconditionally, but to save my trust only for those who've earned it.
I will once again be spending that abhorred Valentine's day alone and yet, for some reason, this time I'm glad about that. :) I'm making a few care packages for some friends abroad and I'm sure that they will like that. Who doesn't like getting chocolates and notes from a friend? :)
Nothing of much excitement going on here atm. I'm beginning anew and learning to smile again. I'll survive. If one thing is certain it is that I will never allow another to devastate me to the point of no return...that's my job and mine alone! *grin* ;)
Well, that is all for now.
03 January 2000
03 January 2000
I was hit with a most painful shock on new year's day. The pain cut through me like a worn knife. I trusted him and in an instant he completely shattered that trust. It was devastating, but it certainly wasn't the end of the world. I've had time to sort through my feelings ...to express my anger, my pain, my hatred...I've dealt with it and I've let it go. I've become stronger...I've grown.
I decided long ago that I would never allow my world to be ruined by the actions of another. I know that I am in control of my own destiny and I am in control of how I choose to react to life's trials and tribulations. It took years though for me to truly be in control; for me, in essence, to stop simply reacting, but to start learning how to deal with whatever life threw my way. In my heart, I know who I am. I know my soul. I know that the way I approach life each day is a conscience decision. I can choose to wallow in self pity and pain or I can choose to experience the pain and grow from it...strengthen my sense of self. And then most importantly, I can choose to be happy and to do so means that I must experience the pain and the pleasure of life and I must choose what will make me stronger, wiser and then I must allow my soul to let go of any pain or sorrow in order to set myself free to be happy again.
I'm not saying that the young man I'm dating was right in lying to me. He wasn't. What he did was cruel, but I still like him and I still care about him. I know that my own happiness certainly does not depend on him or anyone else or anything. I choose to be happy. I choose to strive for inner peace and to open my heart. If I get hurt in the process, I will learn from the pain and not allow it to over power me. I'm not happy that he lied to me...I trusted him and it's going to take time to rebuild that trust. However, I can't turn off my heart. I don't like the decision he made. I don't like it one bit, but for now...I choose to be happy and to continue to enjoy his company. I wanted to close my heart off to him. I wanted to punish him for the pain he caused me, but I know that I can't do that because it was his decision to make. I can't control him nor do I want to. He has to live with his choices in life and I have to live with mine. I'd much rather live with happiness than sorrow; I'd rather have hope than despair; I will continue to dream and not to regret.
I have a tendancy to dream far more than I should sometimes especially when I start dating someone that I truly like. I dream of what the future may hold and that is ok as long as I realize it is but a dream. I struggle each and every day to live in the present and to be grateful for what I have without worrying about tomorrow; without crying about yesterday. I know that someday tomorrow will never come and I hope that by then I will have learned not to waste today with worry and regret, but rather to enjoy the beauty and pleasure...and pain as needed.
It is a new year, a new century (not a new millenium, but I won't argue that point now) and I will strive to be happy, to relish in the beauty of this world and not to linger on the ugliness or the pain. May each and every person in this world learn to love and learn to feel at peace with themselves and then perhaps we will all someday learn to be at peace with one another. Happy New Year.
01 January 2000
01 January 2000
It's a time that many thought the world would never get to and yet, here we are and all is well. No major nuclear meltdowns, no major power outages, no lack of running water...all is well.... I'm trying to convince myself that all is truly well, but it's not...not here, not in my life. I was happy...it's been so long since I've been truly happy with life and work and those in my life. And now, that happiness has ceased to exist. I started dating someone awhile back...and for the first time in years I let down my guard; I opened my heart; I allowed myself to trust again. I thought that this time would be different. He seemed so kind, so caring, so thoughtful...yet that was all a facade ...a big fat illusion. He tells me not to take him too seriously that he has realized that he just wants to be happy and enjoy life. He tells me that I don't understand where he's coming from because I've never had to endure the emotional pain that he has....where does that asshole get off telling me that I don't know what it's like to be hurt?
This is a cruel world...I never allowed anyone to get close to me as I was growing up...always isolated myself and kept quiet...why? I didn't want to get hurt. I knew how hateful people could be and I dealt with that cruelty by ...well, by not dealing with it...by freezing my soul. I didn't allow myself to give a damn about anyone because I believed that no one gave a damn about me and no one ever would. I hate to say it, but I should have never allowed myself to stray from that philosophy on life...sure I was alone...but I was happy and no one ever did hurt me then.
He had told me that he had long ago (before he & I started dating) made plans to spend new years eve with an aunt and they had tickets to some party...and like a fool, I believed him. I trusted him. He told me this morning that he knew before new year's eve that the event they had tickets to had been cancelled...so, he called a woman he had dated once or twice before me and made a date with her. I saw him Thursday night...he flat out lied to me about his plans...straight-faced lie. He never bothered telling me that he wanted to see her too...not until this morning. The thing is that I more than likely would have been okay had he told me from the start that he wanted to date other people...it would have been better for me then because I would have never allowed myself to care about him. I would have never completely trusted him...I wouldn't have bothered to share my heart and soul because it would have been clear that he didn't give a damn about me.
So...what do I do now? I know me...I know that I can't truly trust and share my thoughts with someone who just wants to see me when he isn't seeing someone else. Yet, in all honesty, I care about him. I trusted him. I like him...he asked me if I wanted to continue seeing him...my heart said no, but I said yes...why? Because part of me is a hopeless romantic who believes she can convince him to date only her and because part of me is pissed off and wants the opportunity to screw him over just like he did me. I want the chance to get even ...to make sure that he knows what a jackass he is...to make his life hell. Yet...there is still that part of me that cares about him...more than I'd like to admit. Can I truly harm someone I still care about...I don't know...but the problem is that I do know that I can't trust him nor can I continue to share my thoughts with him because doing so would be far too painful. Maybe I shouldn't see him anymore...maybe I should turn back into the cold, strong, lonely woman I was years ago...at least there would be no more pain.
What a way to start the new year...