22 January 2001

My heart still yearns for that one whose soul I most likely will never know. Every day that I see him my heart leaps. His beauty always brings a smile to my face and yet, I know that he has no interest in me. Perhaps that is for the best since I’d probably only discover him to be like the rest…cold and uncaring. At least in my dreams I know his warmth. I see his face so clearly in my mind and in my heart. If only I didn’t long to see his soul….

Desire lingers on, warming winter’s coldest dawn.

11 January 2001

Another year has finally begun. I was beginning to wonder if 2000 would ever end! As those of you who have read past entries of mine know, the year 2000 was a horrible one for me. Fortunately, 2001 has begun much more smoothly.

Unfortunately I’ve had little inspiration in recent days. It has been a quiet beginning to the new millennium. I suppose the silence has burdened me to some effect. I want to write; to free the passions I feel deep within, but I know not how to express all that I feel these days. The solitude has become so commonplace for me that I haven’t used it to my advantage by reflecting upon my innermost thoughts. No, instead I’ve kept my thoughts rather superficial lately. I suppose in some ways this superficiality is necessary in order to keep myself from exploding just to break the silence of this solitude. There is still a man I long for who has remained (and may forever be) unattainable. I simply must appreciate any time I share with him. His smile will forever linger in my mind. I see him in my dreams and wake up wishing I had him to hold. I thought this little obsession of mine would pass as obsessions usually do, but it just seems that my desire for him refuses to fade.

My soul yearns to find another with whom it may become one. It’s been several years since I had a soulmate. Does each soul have but one true soulmate? If so, I suppose I’m out of luck because mine has come and gone at my choosing. I miss that closeness. I miss passing time with someone who could tell what I was thinking by the look in my eyes. Why should each soul have but one true soulmate? That would not be very sensible. After all, that is like saying a person can only love one other which would mean that what we call ‘family’ simply would not exist. There must be several soulmates out there for each and every soul. Unfortunately there are far too many souls out there that are frightened of trusting another because too much pain was inflicted upon them at one point or another. I know that I, too, have endured a period of time when all I felt was fear and distrust of all that I met. I’ve even vowed never to trust another again…hmmm…to be fair here, the only anger I’ve felt has been directed towards the male soul. Fortunately, I can’t live without men and so swearing them off because of an occasional encounter with the lowest of their kind is simply out of the question. Hmmm…it’s not that I’m ignoring the female soul…I just…well…I have never had a close female friend. My best relationships have always been with men. I feel more attuned toward men than I do toward women. I have never even had a best friend that was female…perhaps that is because when I confide in someone I confide because I feel that I need comfort and support more than I need advice. Men are much better at providing comfort to their female friends than women. All my women friends always try to help me solve the problem and help me to follow through with any plans I make, but frankly I can do that on my own. I’d much rather simply have a hug or kind words of support and as such, I’d prefer those to be given by a man.

I wonder if men realize that? It does seem to be true in most situations. A woman goes to another woman when she wants advice or that little push to follow through with her plans. However, a woman goes to a man with her troubles when she simply wants a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on and of course, a hug never hurts.

Well, for someone who was lacking inspiration I certainly rambled on. ‘Til next time…Marjie >O:)