28 July 1999

Sometimes one really just needs to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective. That's what I've been doing the past few days...just trying to remove myself a bit from the emotions I've been feeling in order to determine how 'real' these emotions are. It seems that they might be stemming from the amount of time I've spent alone lately.

It's quite possible that I've over reacted and the emotions that have re-surfaced have done so because I'm afraid of being alone...not just being alone for now (that I can handle), but the thought that I may spend the rest of my life without that lifelong companion...that thought is frightening. I know that I need to be optimistic and live for the moment...carpe diem! (as they say) I am trying to begin to do that, but it's not easy to completely re-do one's thinking patterns. :) Hmmm...ok I am rambling. No point in continuing.

14 July 1999

Sometimes I wonder why I make the decisions I do. I've wondered that a lot lately. Several months ago I made a major decision...one that was terribly difficult to make. Looking back on that I realize that I made it out of fear; fear of what was to come...disbelief in all that had been promised to me. The worst part is that I know that my heart still lies in his hands...someone I've not mentioned in my writings here(at least not directly). He was (and in some ways always will be) the love of my life. I chose to end our relationship not because he had hurt me, but because I couldn't believe that a lifetime of happiness could ever be within my reach.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Yet I've never believed that I would know true happiness. I usually don't regret my decisions. I simply accept them and move on because I have to (or so I feel that I have to). I don't know that I regret what has happened since my decision to end that former relationship...I got involved with someone else...someone I cared about...he lied to me...he broke my heart...perhaps I deserved it...perhaps it was a lesson I had to learn.

I do regret the pain I caused my J----. I still miss him very much. I spoke to him today. We hadn't truly talked since the breakup and it was wonderful to chat with him again. It's wonderful to have my best friend back. It was almost like old times. My heart ached for him while we chatted. I wanted so much to tell him I still loved him; to ask him if he could ever forgive me, but I didn't because I don't think I can forgive myself for hurting him.

In the end, I'll always have the memories of the good times and the bad times J---- and I shared. Perhaps...someday I'll share some of what I wrote while he and I were together. (I have already shared some of the poems...I just didn't specify who they were written for.) Thoughts of him will always make me smile. I'm grateful for the time we shared. I had never been happier. If you're reading this, my love...take care and remember that you will always have a place in my heart.

Wishing I could run into your arms now and never look back....