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My June 2000 Writings

My June 2000 Writings

13 June 2000

Some Lines, Some Words, Some Thoughts

It's June already. The past few months have been a blur. They've passed me by far too quickly. I haven't written much as you've been witness to on these pages. I've been lacking inspiration. Work has become my life as of late and work is not conducive to poetry and prose. However, I must admit that I enjoy it...almost as much...almost. *grin* It's odd...I'm definitely not working at a dream job ... far from the job of my dreams, but it fascinates me and never fails to teach me something new. This is good for the day I stop being enthralled by work is the day I will know it's time to move on. Anyway, I didn't start writing this to discuss my career. :) I just happened to find a notebook I used to write in (about a year ago) and I saw some verses that I never shared here and since I've been rather uninspired as of late, I thought I'd go ahead and share some verses I wrote nearly a year ago. They are rough, but they describe so perfectly my emotions of the time. Here they are...

29 June 1999

A star shines tonight
Surrounded by the blackened darkness
Twinkling brightly
Alone in the vastness
None other to hear it's sparkling sigh.

Perpetually searching
For another soul
For love undying
To make my heart whole
Becoming one
In love eternal

24 August 1999

A single desire
  have I to share
One that fuels the passionate fire
  of love's longing despair

Hmmmm...I suppose you've realized by now (if you've read any of my thoughts) that you've noticed a trend. I often write of being alone. It's very much a part of my life, very much a part of why I am who I am. I've never given much background here regarding my childhood. I don't know that I want to go into the depths of childhood, but I will say that my childhood was one often filled with pain...emotional pain. I have so many friends now that have commented on how they wish they could go back to childhood and bid life's adult responsibilities goodbye. This is something I would never desire. As a child I knew solitude more than friendly company. I was all too familiar with the despair that comes from not being accepted by one's peers. I hated my life and I can't imagine going back to that time - a time I never want to re-live. As a child I lived in my dreams. I would dream up friends, boyfriends. I was happy in my dreams and I day-dreamed quite often. I thought that something was wrong with me and that is why no one wanted to be my friend. The reality was that I was what most children are not... quiet, polite, well-behaved, and of above average intelligence. These all left me shunned by the other children...unless of course there was a test coming up...that is when I suddenly would have a myriad of friends...test time friends, I called them. I knew they were insincere. I knew they couldn't care less about me, but I humored them. I pretended as though I was stupid enough to believe that their little niceties had nothing at all to do with the upcoming exam. I had to humor them. I craved their company more than they could have possibly imagined. As a young child (I was about 8 at the time), I was overcome with what I can only describe as an overwhelming sense of knowing...knowing that solitude was to be a major part of my life. I know that this knowledge seems odd...and it was...even at the time. I can't explain it, but it was as though this aura engulfed me to warn me of what was to come, to prepare me so that I would be strong enough to deal with the solitude when it did engulf me entirely as it surely would.

And so I've lived my life with this knowledge. I've grown to accept it (for the most part). I do know that part of me thrives on the solitude and could not live without it. However, there is also a part of me that craves affection because affection has been but a visitor in my life that rarely stays long. I need the solitude as much as I need affection, but I still have difficulty with both. I have struggled so much in my adult life to be open and affectionate, but that is something that I know will always be a struggle. It's difficult to face solitude and it's just as difficult to accept (and give) affection. I remember a time in high school...this was a time when I had become a little less quiet and lot more confident. I had friends then...none very close, but friends nonetheless. Some of my friends would occasionally reach out to me to try to give me a hug and put an arm around me... I would flinch. Why? Perhaps because I was so unused to being touched, so unused to being shown affection and acceptance that just the thought frightened me. Whenever I spent too much time with my friends, I would break down. I needed to seek out solitude then because the company (which sometimes seemed unending) simply overwhelmed the part of me that needed the loneliness to survive.

I can't imagine going back to childhood...a time when I felt as though I had no control, a time when others made all major decisions in my life and I simply existed. I was not me. I was afraid of the solitude then...enveloped in fear by the knowledge I was given. No, I don't celebrate the solitude now, but now I know who I am. I know that I am in control and though I still end up despising the solitude at times, I know that it is this solitude that helps to make me whole by enriching my spirit and strengthening my soul.


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