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My June 1999 Writings

My June 1999 Writings

10 June 1999

Standing on the outside
Looking in.
Feeling my thoughts collide
My heart spins

Wanting to unlock my soul
Loving you
Longing for the heart you stole
Unrequited's true

Stopping these feelings with care
Missing your warmth
Ending my dreams to share
My life, my world
     ... forever solo.

    -- MMJ --

28 June 1999

My Thoughts

I really wish I could be angry with you. That would make what happened so much easier to deal with and accept. I suppose I was foolish to care about you; to think that you cared about me. I know now that I meant nothing to you...not as a friend nor a gf.

I remember you telling me how important honesty was in a relationship. I remember that now and laugh - ha! you even know what that is? Have you any idea how much you've hurt me? It pains me all the more to think that though I've shed so many tears over you, you have probably not even given me a moment's thought over the past few weeks. I still can't believe how you could be so inconsiderate... disappearing for a few days... and expecting me not to worry. I cared about you too much to not worry. I realized on that Friday night when I was up all (yes, ALL) night crying and imagining the worst...I realized then how much you meant to me. I cherished your friendship. I enjoyed your company. I admired your strength and perseverance. I was grateful for the thoughts you shared. I thought that even if a romantic relationship didn't work out, our friendship would never end. Apparently, I'm the only one who valued that friendship.

I know how very different our lives have been. I can't pretend to know what you've been through, but then again neither can you pretend to know what I've gone through. I realized that even though I didn't know what your life was like before I met you, I could still be there for you in the present and the time to come. I could support you with my friendship and love.

Perhaps I'm the one to blame ...for being foolish; for believing in you; for trusting, respecting, and loving you. I know that I didn't really share everything in my heart and soul with you. I couldn't. There were too many fears, too many doubts. I wanted to open my heart, but I couldn't. You seemed so distant. I should have seen your little disappearance coming. I wanted to share my life, my thoughts, my heart...but could I do that? Could I take the risk of caring about you more than I already did even though you simply didn't express any feeling toward me? No...I couldn't take the risk. The thought that I'd share my heart with you only so you could rip it in two was too much to bear. I suppose that now it's better that I didn't share my heart. I can't imagine dealing with a pain so much greater than the one I now feel.

The worst part is that I admired you. I thought you were a strong, courageous, warm man. The truth is are but a child caring for no one, but yourself. A man would have discussed his thoughts about our relationship with me, but a child knows simply to run away.

I still think of you. I miss you even though I wish that I didn't. I yearn to phone you; to hear your voice, your laugh. Don't worry though. You've made it perfectly clear that I mean nothing to you and that you don't even want my friendship. I won't phone you. I won't email you. I'll try to forget that you exist...just as you've forgotten me.

In all reality, I will move on and I will be just fine. I know how to live alone. I've spent much of my life alone. I will survive and I'll even do more...I'll thrive.


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