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My May 2002 Writings

My May 2002 Writings

20 May 2002


Why do I torment myself so? Why can't I forget? There are so many memories. I remember touching the hands of those I've loved for the first time...the electricity was so amazing. I remember seeing the beauty in each soul. I remember the short-lived happiness. I remember so many wonderful moments shared, yet there is one thing I cannot recall. I can't seem to remember the utter solitude I knew before I knew how to love. I've known great solitude since, but it seems somehow different than that I once knew because now I know what I am missing. This knowledge alone torments me. Why does my soul invite such pain? Why can't I simply paint the past in black - never to be remembered again?

Despite this memory, I long yet again to love and be loved in return. Despite the pain I've known - having loved and lost - I want nothing more than to find another soul to whom to give of my love freely once more. Is this not a foolish desire? To wish for that which has been the source of such unrelenting pain? If only I could stop my heart from loving; stop my soul from longing; stop my mind from searching for another with whom to share all that I feel, all that I am, all that I know. Yet I continue...yearning for that one true love, forever friend.

Only one has ever shared those three words I long to hear, but his path - I know - will never cross mine again. Will the day ever come when I will feel free enough to speak those words to another? Or perhaps, more importantly...will the day ever come when I will hear those words spoken freely to me so sincerely and tenderly once more?

My heart loves too easily. My soul cares too freely. I've allowed my feelings to become placed on display. Thus, I've known pain far too often - yet always at my own doing. My soul seems to thrive on pain. It certainly seems to strengthen with each new heartache - yet it does not learn. It will not close itself off from all feeling. It will not forget though it does not lament either - for that would indeed bring it's end. It simply goes on...searching, loving, yearning.

My soul wants to reveal itself once more to another that has crossed my path. This desire to open my thoughts and heart frightens me. I fear - I know - such a thing would most likely not end well. Past experience has shown me that. Why is it that my soul so often convinces me that this time will be different? Why should it be? Why shouldn't I simply know heartache once more? How can my heart and soul be so foolish? My mind so often warns me against loving again, but alas...'tis outnumbered. :) This love that I feel now, I fear, is but unrequited love. Yet each time I learn more about this other soul, I love all the more. I long to know the depths of his heart, soul, and mind. My soul won't allow me to ignore this desire despite the memories of pain.

I can only wonder what will happen if ever my love becomes known. Will he close his soul to me? Will he cause my heart to ache once more? Or perhaps, by chance, he will share his soul's very core?

The memories won't fade. The pain is always near yet my heart knows no fear. I still foolishly believe that one day my love will be returned and never denied. As such, my soul continues to yearn; my heart continues to trust; my mind continues to seek another - filled with beauty and love - who will never inflict pain on me, but rather simply love me in return.

The memories do not fade. They simply become my own. They feed my hunger yet starve my desire. They exist without existence. They torment me and enthrall me causing such yearning that I, once more, may put myself at risk of pain for love enduring.

30 April 2002

Almost May Anyhow... ;)

I'd apologize for not making an entry in my Purple Pause, but really it's my page and I simply have had little to write in the past year. *grin* BTW, it's not really May's only April 30, 2002 as I write this, but I figure...what's a few hours, eh? ;)

So, now I'm trying to think of something to write about yet it seems that every time I've tried to write something here during the past year, I've drawn a blank. Sooooo...hmmm...what has gone on in the past year or so....

Well, I've met a few new people. I've had a few new experiences. I've got something like a "school girl crush" on a certain young man at the moment which is probably not entirely good. :) Believe it or really isn't very often that I become totally smitten with someone. So, I do tend to allow myself to indulge the thoughts and oh-so-nice dreams I have when I am hooked on someone. :) A couple of my friends are aware...probably annoyingly so...of this lil crush of mine and they both seem to think that I need to give it up and move on. They are probably right and I will do so...eventually, but not yet. *grin* It makes me happy even if it never comes to be. I've always been a dreamer and so why would I stop now? :)

I dated someone for awhile last fall. I still get together with him occasionally, but I don't see anything 'real' happening there and frankly, I stopped believing there might be something more there a long time ago. I'm a dreamer, but I'm also a that even possible????!!??!!? Hmmm...well, a friend of mine just told me I am a 50/50 mix of an idealist and a realist. I'm just full of paradoxes, I guess.

What else should I throw out for y'all? :) I know this is nothing but babble, but well...I babble. Deal with it. :) I don't feel like actually developing a well-thought out rambling at the moment if there is such a thing.

I have been thinking about la langue de Francaise lately...met someone that spent a year in Paris and now I'm back to thinking about how I am going to get myself to France. I do miss speaking french and yes I know I could take a class, but a class is just not nearly as appealing as simply taking a trip. :) Je toujours dit...Un jour je visiterais la France. (I always say...Some day I will visit France.) Je pense que c'est le jour pour faire quelque chose. ( I think that it's the day to do something...ok, my grammar is probably not so good.) In reality, I just don't want to go to France alone and I really am not too interested in going with a tour guide either. One simply cannot experience true french culture when one travels with tourists. I have to become surrounded by natives to really experience french culture. For now...this will remain but a dream.

I had a really interesting hot tub experience in recent months. Interesting is really not the right word...more like amazing. :) I don't want to let this rambling go straight into the gutter tho' so I won't detail the your dismay, I'm sure. *grin* Actually, I'd love to write down every wonderful detail, but I don't know who reads this page of mine and so I need to keep it clean. :)

Ok, I think I will end on that note. It will fuel my dreams tonight, at least. :) G'night!


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