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My November 2003 Writings

November's End is Just Hours Away

30 November 2003

A Soul Still Lost in the Melee

The past several months have all passed in a bit of a blur. May through October flew by with little more than my work to keep me busy, but that was enough. Those days were busy, but not exciting nor frightening nor enlightening. Then, September came and mid-way through (or so) I got the news....

My best friend died. Someone I'd known for nearly ten years...though we'd never met in person. We met online and then started exchanging emails and phone calls. We grew closer as the years went by. It was as though he lived just next door since we spoke at least a couple of times a week on the phone. A few weeks before I heard of his death he insisted on introducing me to one of his irl friends from college. I was hesitant to meet his friend ...only because I am rather shy, but since Jason insisted that I should, so I did. We talked on the phone and Jason gave his friend my number just in case (for some reason) he'd want to talk to me without Jason on the line. I don't know why after so many years Jason insisted on introducing me to his friend, B..., of whom he'd spoken to me many times. I still wonder if he knew that something was wrong. Jason's friend is the one that ended up calling me to let me know when Jason died. Had he not phoned, I'd still be wondering what was going on since I had no way of contacting Jason's family.

It was a Friday evening when I arrived home from work to find a message on my voicemail from Jason's friend asking me to call him as soon as I got in. I didn't think anything of it really, but I called him back immediately only to hear the words, "Jason died last night." I didn't believe it at first. I thought this was one of Jason's sick jokes and that maybe somehow he had gotten B... to play it on me. But then he began to tell me what had happened and that he would let me know when he found out more information. I'd never lost a close friend before, yet alone someone who was so young...just a few years older than myself. I didn't know how to react or even how to begin to deal with the pain, the anger, the madness.

I didn't get any sleep that night nor much sleep for many nights following. And now Thanksgiving has come and gone and Christmas is soon to come and here I am...without my best friend. I miss Jason so much. I've been functioning ok (for the most part) during the past couple of months. But, it has been difficult to say the least. There are still times when something happens at work or at home and the first thing I think of is calling Jason to share a laugh then, it clicks and...I realize I can't.

It's been a tough few months. I don't have many friends and I have even fewer close friends. Jason was the only friend that had stuck with me through the years. I'd never had a friend for so long with whom I shared most everything. Granted, I have one close friend who proved that he'd be there for me when times were rough. I don't know how I would have dealt with Jason's death without him, but it's just not the same...nor even close to what I shared with Jason.

Jason was, for the most part, healthy before his sudden death. He was going through some rough times...being unemployed and blind and finding it very difficult to find anyone willing to hire him. Maybe he's better off this least now his soul is at peace. I try to tell myself this is the case, but it doesn't help much when the tears flow. I'm trying to move on, but it's so hard to do when I feel this emptiness where my best friend used to be. I just have to remember what Jason would want. He'd want me to continue to live. He'd want me to be happy. I hope that one day I will be.

That's all for now. Goodnight.

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