03 December 2000

Fan-ta-sy: n. 1. The creative imagination. 2. A product of the imagination; illusion. 3. A delusion. 4. A capricious or whimsical notion or idea; conceit. 5. A daydream. 6. A fantasia.

Hmmm…the creative imagination…now that I am very familiar with. I have what I would call an over-active imagination. I always have had one. As a young child I was content to be alone in my room with my books or my drawings or my dolls. I could quite easily amuse myself for hours by pretending that life was not the reality I lived in. Even when I had trouble going to sleep I would start to create characters and story lines in my head until I drifted off to dream about my creations. My dreams, my stories were indeed products of my imagination. They were delusions of happiness and importance for I felt so completely irrelevant as a child. I had no control over my own life. I was never allowed to make decisions for myself since my parents made all my decisions for me. I hated that.

What would life be without fantasies? I’d say it would be pretty dull because life really isn’t filled with excitement each and every moment of the way. Granted, there are times when life seems chaotic and filled with adventure, but for most people that is not the normal way a day passes.

And now…I feel like one of my dreams may just come to be. This feeling is both exciting and frightening. I’ve met a most wonderful young man with whom I share many common values and dreams. He is such a sweetheart and oh so cute!  It’s odd for me to feel so at ease with someone I’ve just met, but with him that is precisely how I feel. I feel as though for the first time ever everything is…perfect…even too good to be true. I never thought I’d fall for someone like him. I’ve never dated anyone like him. And yet, I’m frightened that he may not be all he seems and that I will once again be hurt and deceived. Although part of me does truly trust him and care for him, the fear remains. Time will dwindle away this fear…of that, I’m certain.

I’ve prayed for him. He has been home from work awhile…there is a possibility that something is very wrong with his health. He won’t know for certain until he receives some test results sometime in the next couple of days. I’ve prayed that God allows him to remain in this world. He’s doing so much good for so many people here. I know that I am being selfish, but I don’t want to lose him. I just met him, but I know that if his time has come I will care for him until the end. I will be there for him no matter what. I don’t know why I feel the connection I do with him. It’s as though his heart is the one I’m meant to be with…forever.