--"SiLlY qUeEn" (aka MMJ) --

-- "SiLlY qUeEn" (aka MMJ) --

I really wish I could be angry with you. That would make what happened so much easier to deal with and accept. I suppose I was foolish to care about you; to think that you cared about me. I know now that I meant nothing to you...not as a friend nor a gf.

I remember you telling me how important honesty was in a relationship. I remember that now and laugh - ha! honesty...do you even know what that is? Have you any idea how much you've hurt me? It pains me all the more to think that though I've shed so many tears over you, you have probably not even given me a moment's thought over the past few weeks. I still can't believe how you could be so inconsiderate... disappearing for a few days... and expecting me not to worry. I cared about you too much to not worry. I realized on that Friday night when I was up all (yes, ALL) night crying and imagining the worst...I realized then how much you meant to me. I cherished your friendship. I enjoyed your company. I admired your strength and perseverance. I was grateful for the thoughts you shared. I thought that even if a romantic relationship didn't work out, our friendship would never end. Apparently, I'm the only one who valued that friendship.

I know how very different our lives have been. I can't pretend to know what you've been through, but then again neither can you pretend to know what I've gone through. I realized that even though I didn't know what your life was like before I met you, I could still be there for you in the present and the time to come. I could support you with my friendship and love.

Perhaps I'm the one to blame ...for being foolish; for believing in you; for trusting, respecting, and loving you. I know that I didn't really share everything in my heart and soul with you. I couldn't. There were too many fears, too many doubts. I wanted to open my heart, but I couldn't. You seemed so distant. I should have seen your little disappearance coming. I wanted to share my life, my thoughts, my heart...but could I do that? Could I take the risk of caring about you more than I already did even though you simply didn't express any feeling toward me? No...I couldn't take the risk. The thought that I'd share my heart with you only so you could rip it in two was too much to bear. I suppose that now it's better that I didn't share my heart. I can't imagine dealing with a pain so much greater than the one I now feel.

The worst part is that I admired you. I thought you were a strong, courageous, warm man. The truth is ...you are but a child caring for no one, but yourself. A man would have discussed his thoughts about our relationship with me, but a child knows simply to run away.

I still think of you. I miss you even though I wish that I didn't. I yearn to phone you; to hear your voice, your laugh. Don't worry though. You've made it perfectly clear that I mean nothing to you and that you don't even want my friendship. I won't phone you. I won't email you. I'll try to forget that you exist...just as you've forgotten me.

In all reality, I will move on and I will be just fine. I know how to live alone. I've spent much of my life alone. I will survive and I'll even do more...I'll thrive.

28 July 1999

Sometimes one really just needs to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective. That's what I've been doing the past few days...just trying to remove myself a bit from the emotions I've been feeling in order to determine how 'real' these emotions are. It seems that they might be stemming from the amount of time I've spent alone lately.

It's quite possible that I've over reacted and the emotions that have re-surfaced have done so because I'm afraid of being alone...not just being alone for now (that I can handle), but the thought that I may spend the rest of my life without that lifelong companion...that thought is frightening. I know that I need to be optimistic and live for the moment...carpe diem! (as they say) I am trying to begin to do that, but it's not easy to completely re-do one's thinking patterns. :) Hmmm...ok I am rambling. No point in continuing.

14 July 1999

Sometimes I wonder why I make the decisions I do. I've wondered that a lot lately. Several months ago I made a major decision...one that was terribly difficult to make. Looking back on that I realize that I made it out of fear; fear of what was to come...disbelief in all that had been promised to me. The worst part is that I know that my heart still lies in his hands...someone I've not mentioned in my writings here(at least not directly). He was (and in some ways always will be) the love of my life. I chose to end our relationship not because he had hurt me, but because I couldn't believe that a lifetime of happiness could ever be within my reach.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Yet I've never believed that I would know true happiness. I usually don't regret my decisions. I simply accept them and move on because I have to (or so I feel that I have to). I don't know that I regret what has happened since my decision to end that former relationship...I got involved with someone else...someone I cared about...he lied to me...he broke my heart...perhaps I deserved it...perhaps it was a lesson I had to learn.

I do regret the pain I caused my J----. I still miss him very much. I spoke to him today. We hadn't truly talked since the breakup and it was wonderful to chat with him again. It's wonderful to have my best friend back. It was almost like old times. My heart ached for him while we chatted. I wanted so much to tell him I still loved him; to ask him if he could ever forgive me, but I didn't because I don't think I can forgive myself for hurting him.

In the end, I'll always have the memories of the good times and the bad times J---- and I shared. Perhaps...someday I'll share some of what I wrote while he and I were together. (I have already shared some of the poems...I just didn't specify who they were written for.) Thoughts of him will always make me smile. I'm grateful for the time we shared. I had never been happier. If you're reading this, my love...take care and remember that you will always have a place in my heart.

Wishing I could run into your arms now and never look back....

21 September 1999

Life here has been full of activity this month. I've been going out dancing and such far more than usual. I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. You see...usually I prefer a quiet weekend at home...I am a bit of a homebody, but I do realize that too much time home alone is not good either. Yet, going out every Friday and Saturday night is simply too much for me...maybe I am getting old, but I just can't handle such a busy weekend. I just tend to enjoy a simple, quiet life...now if only I could find someone to enjoy the quiet time with.

I spent this past weekend at home...all weekend...just me, relaxing. It was nice and peaceful and restful, but it also seems to have invoked some feelings of loneliness...well, no...not so much loneliness as the desire to have someone to share things with. Life always seems so much more wonderful when there is someone to share it with...even just sharing the little things is nice.

I was doing my laundry this evening which meant taking a short walk from my apartment to the laundry room here at my apartment complex. During this walk, I saw the most beautiful moonlit sky sprinkled with soft, white clouds. It was lovely. That's the sort of time I wish I had someone to share things with...someone to share the beauty of a moonlit sky or perhaps a red-orange sunset...sharing nature's beauty makes it all the more beautiful.

I realize I'm babbling, but then again if you've read this far you must not mind too terribly much. :) Time for me to get some sleep. I'll be dreaming of the warmth of another's arms. Sweet dreams and good night. :)

25 October 1999

Have you ever wondered if you'd ever have that special someone to share your innermost thoughts with? I suppose everyone has known that yearning at one point or another. It's really been difficult though...all of my friends are either a)married, b)engaged or c)practically engaged. Ok, so I'm moping this evening...I admit it and all I can say is...I can't help it. Sometimes the desire for a good friend's company/conversation is simply overwhelming.

18 October 1999

I don't feel inspired enough to create anything original tonight, but I thought I would share some verses I wrote in days past...enjoy. :)

This is just a brief and silly verse I wrote awhile back (last month actually)...I'm warning you, it's not exactly poetic. :)

Sparkling, cool, refreshing smile
Burning fires flame desire
Warmth from you makes life worthwhile
Lost in the pools of your quagmire.

-- MMJ...feeling silly...I've always wanted to use 'quagmire' in a verse! :)